My time isn't what it used to be. I used to have time to sleep a little longer. I used to have time to shave everything that needs to be shaved. I used to have time to fold that basket of laundry. I used to have time to cook my husband a delicious dinner after working all day. I used to have time to binge watch my favorite TV show.
Now- I don't.
I am completely okay with that. I'm not fully shaved and I doubt I got all the conditioner out of my hair. I guarantee that laundry has been in the dryer for at least 4 days. I just refresh it and get what I need as I go, adding wrinkled clothes in from time to time.
"Mommy, paint wiff me!" I don't need to fold that laundry. I don't need to shower right now. I need to "paint wiff him". His time is more important than mine. He won't remember me folding all his laundry before or after I painted with him, he'll only remember WHEN I painted with him...
I started my own business by pushing myself to do what I want to do. Be my own boss and manage my own time. I started this business when Jaxon was only a few months old. A few months prior, I was wrongly fired from my job by a selfish and uncaring person, so I told myself... "Amber- this is your time to shine- Do what you love". Off I went- "AJS PHOTO STUDIO" was my new name. I became an LLC, got licensed, insured, and got a fancy federal ID number. I kicked things off with a Groupon and worked my butt off for less than what I deserved. But- every time I pushed that shutter down was a moment of experience- paid or not. Here I am just 2 years later and I look back at how much I have learned. My knowledge and images have grown so much. Of course, I am no where close to where I want to be but a photographer never stops learning.
But... My time is different now.
It's becoming harder and harder for me to tell him that Mommy has to work. (..and by "work" I mean, sit at my desk and stare at a computer screen for endless hours... editing.) He doesn't know what I am doing other than not paying attention to him. I tell myself- "He needs to learn to play on his own" and "he'll grow an imagination by playing on his own". So, that way I can work a little and play with him a little. Every time I tell him that Mommy has to get back to work, that's a little more heartbreak that he gets because I am leaving him alone again.
Jax has been such a daddy's boy lately. I'll be honest it tears me up inside- just a little. He was always mommy's boy. I grew you for 9 months- breastfed you for 13 months- you called for me when you couldn't sleep. Not anymore. Now he tells me to go away like he's a teenager already. I blame his daddy. His wonderful daddy. The man who sits on the floor and plays with him, the man who builds Lego castles with him. The patient man who crawls on the floor like a horse so he can ride on his back, as I watch, laughing, from my turned chair at my desk. No, I blame this desk, this chair and this screen.
When your child starts pushing you away you begin to think about what is causing that to happen. At least I do anyway. I see it now. I don't want to see it as much anymore. So, I am changing some things. I will let that basket of laundry sit a little longer, I will let the sink full of soapy water and sippy cups get cold.. again. (Hey- atleast their soaking all the germs off! Again.) I'll shower when he goes to bed and shave as much as I can muster the energy to do.
My time is different now.
I will paint with you. I will watch this episode of Batman for the 11,000th time. I will build garages out of Legos with you. If you want me there- I will be there. I will see your face light up when you hear me say- "Yes, baby, let's paint- I'll get the paint brushes!"
Along with my session's being scheduled- so will my editing and "desk time". I can no longer sit here every night and watch my son grow his own memories with me at my desk in them. He is my first child- my first round of parenting mistakes, my only shot at fixing them. We now have Baby Sullivan #2 on the way and I need to make memories with my only child while I can. He doesn't understand that he won't be the only child forever but he will understand that I will be there for him- only child or oldest child. I worry that when the baby comes that he will see me with the baby and dislike him/her as much as he does my desk.
My business may decline from my changes but I know what is important to me at this stage in my life. As much as I love my photography business and the idea of being my own boss. My family and children come first. It's okay for my business to grow slowly as the years pass but unlike my business- my children will grow fast and that is time that I will never get back. I will watch them grow in front of my eyes and not from my turned chair at my desk.
My time is different now.
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